Yup... those are his readers

Bill Simmons is not only the best sportswriter on the Internet, he's also the only writer who may or may not have contributed to my breaking up with an ex-girlfriend (looong story). His latest mailbag is a classic:

Q: I think EA Sports should add a feature to NBA Live: 2006 that would allow players to attack the fans. Imagine being the Heat and taking Shaq into the crowd to kill 15 people?
--Dan, New Brunswick

Bill Simmons: Couldn't they just merge NBA Live and Grand Theft Auto and set it in Portland? Not only could you try to win the NBA title with the Blazers, but you could have missions between games: Raise pit bulls to fight against Qyntel Woods and his dogs; steal pot from Damon Stoudamire; fight the Portland police when they catch you asleep in your car at 4 a.m.; frame Ruben Patterson for a felony assault; switch your urine with the ballboy's urine before an unexpected drug test; assassinate Dick Bavetta before he referees your game against the Knicks; and so on. And during games, you could inexplicably charge into the stands and start punching spectators -- it would be just like randomly attacking people in Grand Theft Auto. Of course, the ultimate goal would be to overthrow David Stern and take over the league.

(By the way, I think I would pay like $3,000 to play this game.)

- posted by jaemark @ 1/30/2005 01:32:00 AM